Today I don’t

Today I don’t love, myself that is. Today I’m frustrated, today I’m confused, today I seem to be going through some self-inflicted mental abuse. Today I feel as though I am mourning my body and it’s misuse.

Today I can’t do this. Today I do not want a pep talk out of this unwelcome sorrow weighing on my heart. Today I would like my legs to function as normally as they look. That won’t happen today, and I know that.

Living differently wouldn’t have been my first choice. I would not have chosen a physical disability as my cross to bare. It would just be nice, no truthfully it would absolutely amazing, to make an initial impression based on who I am rather than how I move. I would love a fair shot. I would love to be judged for my blue hair or my tattoos, or something else that is my choice. Something about being labeled for the way I walk, for something I don’t control, for something I would never wish on my worst enemy-it just kills me. Slowly it chips away at something inside and every once in awhile the bizarre pain of my dysfunctional way of functioning claws its way to the surface. All the while I’m still trusting God and hoping in spite of myself.

Today I know I’m whining, I’m aware that this is pitiful and I am definitely not the only one who struggles. Today I’m not trying to win the competition of who struggles the most. Although, I am certain the struggle of not having control of one’s body is not a trial that many experience, and when it is shared the feeling is similar at best but not ever the same. Today I would just like to feel what I feel which is something we’re all entitled too. I won’t stay here, being crushed under the weight discontentment. Today I just need to take a break from outrunning it.

Today I would trade myself with someone else even though I know probably by tomorrow I’ll want to be me again. Today I can escape the sorrow for just a little while by dreaming about the what if’s that I occasionally allow myself to think.

If I could live differently, the way I want to, I’d start early. If I had a day without my physical limitations first I think I would workout, doing every balance exercise I could think of. After that I’d learn a hip-hop routine or salsa-probably both. Dancing is something I would pursue if I could. Then I would do kickboxing because if I had a miracle day of no stare-inducing, getting dressed delaying, literally-can’t-stand-alone, Cerebral Palsy. I’d want to know what it’s like to kick a punching bag. I’d want to know what it’s like to really run, or ride a bike; I’d make strangers play soccer with me. I’d plunge into a crowd of crazies. I would jump more than I’d walk because I could do it without being weightless in water. I would walk everywhere, anywhere I could, in heels. All day I’d walk in heels even if my feet bled. I’d do it simply because I could. I’d do it to get that feminine feel that I’ve never really had.

Today I know there’s a light somewhere down the line showing me the way out of this tunnel. I know it’s there because when I want to see it, it shines. Perhaps it won’t happen today, thank God for tomorrow.

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